EMERGENCY SESSION OF NATO’S COUNCIL FOR PEACE THROUGH WAR
The wars in Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Ukraine, Gaza, Ferguson, Missouri, and the skyway system in St. Paul, Minnesota, were experiencing a few hiccups.
“We have member states and Notable Personages protected by the treaty who aren’t pulling their weight,” a U.S. general said. “It’s time for these freeloaders to bleed into the trough of war.”
By unanimous decree the U.N. forced the North Pole and the land of Grassbasket to join the U.N. — and then immediately ordered a group of highly trained seals to escort Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny into battle. The seals honked their circus horns and padded off, barking. They did anything for fish.
SANTA AND EASTER BUNNY “VOLUNTEER” TO JOIN GLOBAL WAR ON TERRORISM
After some rough handling at the leathery flippers of the seal team, Santa and the Easter Bunny faced one another across a narrow aisle, perched awkwardly on jump seats, their assault rifles and grenades criss-crossing their knees.
“This is my busy season,” Santa lamented over the roar of the plane’s engines.
“You think you got problems.” The Easter Bunny’s pointy teeth bobbed against his furry chin as he spoke. “Me and the missus were just about to cuddle when those toads broke in on us.”
Santa was about to tell him how many years the Bunny family had been excluded from his Nice list due to their disgusting rabbit practices when a high-pitched whistle gained in intensity.
A crackle from the speakers erupted to life. “Incoming. We’ve got incoming.”
On the ground, Cobra Commander had been firing off bottle rockets to celebrate his civil union to Snake Eyes. Seeing that he had struck a NATO transport plane, he cursed his luck, thinking the wrath of the American military would rain on his honeymoon in the Hamptons.
“We’ve worked too hard for marriage equality,” he said, his tears unseen behind the combat mask.
Fortunately for him, drone surveillance operators misidentified him as the Egyptian goddess Isis, which sparked a new war with ancient animal-headed gods. But that’s a different story.
Meanwhile, Santa and the Easter Bunny were tossed out of the plane by the seal team who went leaping out behind them just before the plane exploded like the closing fireworks at the Minnesota State Fair. The Easter Bunny was oohing and aahing in free fall while Santa screamed his head off in blind panic.
“Why do they hate our freeeeeeeeeedommmm?!!?”
He rummaged desperately in his sack of toys (did I mention he brought his sack of toys?) and pulled out an inflatable raft meant as a present for Vladimir Putin. He pulled a cord causing the raft to inflate as they splashed into the ocean.
DAY 23
The last bottle of Smart Water was gone. There were no more Cadbury eggs to be had. Miles of open sea caked the Easter Bunny’s fur with salt, making Santa imagine him as what the French call prêt à consommer. Likewise the Easter Bunny couldn’t help but salivate, imagining that under that red velvet jacket and snow-white beard lurked a giant jolly carrot. They didn’t speak much, because they knew that very soon they would need to make a Big Decision. The Ultimate Decision: which holiday would they celebrate next?
As is the case in many tales of popular holiday figures stranded on the high seas by errant fireworks from a gay marriage celebration, the tale of Santa and the Easter Bunny found a happy resolution. A small boat appeared on the horizon—wait. Not quite a proper boat they realized as it neared. Two young men pedaled the contraption propped on bicycle seats. They wore white button-up shirts, black ties, and bicycle helmets that protected earnest smiles.
It was a long pedal back to land, and in that time, Santa and the Easter Bunny were won over to Mormonism. Mr. Bunny was particularly interested in the concept of polygabunnyism. Santa liked the thought of taking it easy at Christmas.
But the real world would not relent. By the time our heroes saw their first sanctioned news source, they realized their mission to fight for our Freedom was not over. Video footage of people dressed like ninjas beheading candy peeps drove the Easter Bunny to a blood lust. News that the elves had unionized and were agitating for a $10.10 minimum wage made Santa drop some very naughty words.
Santa spit polished his boots until they were a shiny coal black. He slid of his red floppy hat with the white pom-pom at the tip and replaced it with a red bandana.
“They drew first blood, ho ho ho.”
And this is how the world was made safe from terrorism, forever and always. If you don’t believe it, then you are a terrorist who is now on Santa’s no-fly list.
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